I'll only hurt forever
by jasperhale92
Summary: Leah's journey trying to get over sam. It turns out that forgetting only makes her life a lot harder. I dont own twilight! Review!
1. Exposed

I never thought that I'd forgive him. Not in a thousand years. I always knew that I would have bitterness in my heart for the man that broke me. He ripped me apart. That's something you can't forgive someone for, ever. I promised myself that I would hate him, and every person that did that to someone. That's exactly what I did.

I'd seen this hurt people too many times. But each time, in the end, they would end up happy. I'd seen Jacob get torn by Bella, while she ran off with that bloodsucker. She hadn't seen or heard what it did to him every time he heard her name. That was the worst part. But he got love and I'm the only one that can be bitter.

I shivered, remembering, and then changed. The howl ripped through the sky as I changed into a wolf. It was like nothing I had ever felt. I was the fastest. But for some reason this was something I couldn't outrun. I was frozen and I could never have children. And that sucked.

_Shut up, Leah. There are worse things that could happen. _Embry thought.

_Yeah, because you would know. _I snarled back at him.

_Don't be so bitter, Leah. _Quil interceded.

I let out a bloodcurdling snarl. Ugh, I hated being the only girl in the pack. Every other girl that I ever saw was a human, bloodsucker, or some sort of freaky hybrid. The hybrid was definitely the weirdest, just the thought of someone that had blood in them, drinking blood. It always made me shiver.

_I'm gonna go to La Push later this afternoon to see Claire. _Quil thought. The love oozed out of the way he said her name.

_NO ONE CARES QUIL! _I shouted.

_Ooo, touchy, are we Leah? _Embry scoffed.

That was it. I turned and wheeled toward the sound of the rest of the pack. I was fuming pissed. I was not in the mood to be scoffed at. Let alone by Embry.

I reached the pack in seconds and snarled at Embry. But then I realized that we were all standing in front of the crypt. I still didn't care. I howled and my hackles stood straight up as I bared my teeth, ready to take a chunk out of Embry's head.

Suddenly, all of the vampires stood outside of the house. Looking surprisingly startled but my frightening expression.

_Calm down, Leah. _Seth thought.

_Ha, bring it on. I can take a girl._

Another snarl came out and I took another menacing step forward.

"Calm down, Leah. I don't know what you're saying, Embry, but shut up." Jacob said.

He was standing in front of a frightened Nessie. Edward and Bella were on the porch and the doctor and mom-ish one were looking at me in a weird way. The lead bloodsucker took a step forward and held out his hands.

I snapped at him, causing him to take a step back.

_Your so obnoxious, Leah. You think you're the only one in the world that's in pain? Look around, It's everywhere. I understand that it hurts. _Embry said.

_You don't understand anything! You think you're funny? Telling me to suck it up and just endure it? You don't think I've tried that? It's the hardest thing ever! I have tried my hardest._

_Obviously not hard enough._

Then I took a leap at Embry and the next thing I knew, a russet wolf was holding me to the ground. I snapped and tried to get free.

_Go change and come back here._ Jacob erupted.

And at that, I turned and went to where I kept my extra clothes. I slipped into shorts and a gray tank top and ran back to the crypt.

"What?" I said. The Cullen's were still there watching. I didn't really care what the vampires did.

"You can _never_ attack one of your brothers. Do you understand me?" Jacob said.

"Whatever." I said looking away. I felt a tear well up in my eye, embarrassing.

Then Jacobs's voice got all soft. "I know you're in pain, Leah. I know you're lonely. But you can't result to murdering Embry. That won't solve anything. Is there anything I can do?"

"No, nothing can help me. I hate everyone. You know who's fault it is. You know why. There really isn't anything that would ever make this better." My voice cracked at the end.

I looked back at Jacob. His face was angry, then he took in my expression and he turned sad. I looked around at the Cullen's and the same mask of pity was portrayed on all of their faces. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window. I had a pretty face, but it was twisted in pain.

Then I turned. I left with what little dignity I had, and ran.

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**Review! And tell me what you think should happen next! Your comment could determine what happens next! You could change Leah's path completely!**


	2. wrong

I just kept running until I got back to La Push. It was windy but the sun warmed my fur, but it couldn't get deep enough to touch my heart. Cold as ice. The bloodsucker had more of a heart than I did.

_You know that's not true Lee. Hey wait up!_

_You've done your part, Embry. Now back off. I want to be alone._

I heard his feet pick up speed, but still, I was faster. I ran until I was trapped between jumping off the cliff and turning and risking running into Embry. I just stopped and sadly, Embry found me. I shouted curse words at him until finally he turned and left. I sighed and went to put clothes on.

"Good morning, Leah." My mother greeted me.

I nodded toward the group; Billy, Old Quil, Jacob, Sam, and Seth. It was really depressing to have the guy that broke your heart in your house nearly every day. Some may call it torture.

"Leah, we need to talk." Jacob said.

"No, we don't." Why does everyone care _now_? The peak of my depression, I wanted to be alone now more than ever.

"There is obviously something wrong, Leah. We think you need professional help." It was Sam that set me off the edge.

"Who are _you_ to tell me what I need? If I had what I need maybe I would be normal. But that's not fair. Either everyone hurts, or we single one person out. That person had to be me." I said.

"Come on, we can talk if you want." Billy offered.

"Just, just leave me alone." I stuttered.

I walked to my room and sat on the bed, cross legged. I pretty much sat there the entire day. I didn't even notice when the sun went down and when everyone left. I walked downstairs to find an empty house and a note.

'were at Billy's. Come down.' It said in my mom's messy hand-writing.

I started walking. I heard the Blacks house before it even came into sight. There was a lot of laughing. I smiled, I wish I could laugh. Then my face went cold when I saw who was waiting outside.

"Go home Embry." I just strode on past him and into the house.

"Leah!" I heard Claire exclaim. She squirmed out of Quils arms and bounded toward me.

"Hey, cutie. How are you?" I asked the little girl.

She did a thumbs up and then ran back to Quil. Next to him was Jacob with his arms wrapped around Nessie's waist. I looked away and saw Embry standing next to me.

"Ugh." I walked to Seth.

"Hey, Leah!" he was such a happy little camper. I smiled at him and grabbed a soda.

Jacob and Nessie walked over to us with wide grins on their face. I looked at them warily. What were they up to?

"Hey, Leah," Nessie asked. "Do you want to do karaoke?"

"No." I said.

"Please? You can pick the song if you want. I don't want to be alone though." She pretty much pleaded.  
"Fine, but only one song." I gave in.

"Yay! You'll go first." Nessie walked up to the center and pulled out a machine from behind the couch. Oh god. She wants us to sing in front of everyone?

"Uh, nessie? I changed my mind. I don't want to sing." I squeaked.

"Aw! Come on Leah!" Everyone pleaded.

I grimaced and stepped toward the microphone. Then a thought came into my mind. What if I got my message to Sam, through a song? I knew what song I wanted to sing now.

I smile attentively and grabbed the microphone. And I started to sing.

_Did you forget that I was even alive?  
Did you forget everything we ever had?  
Did you forget  
Did you forget about me  
Did you regret ever standing by my side?  
Did you forget what we were feeling inside?  
Now I'm left to forget about us  
But somewhere we went wrong.  
We were once so strong.  
Our love is like a song.  
You can't forget it.  
So now I guess this is where we have to stand  
did you regret ever holding my hand?  
Never again  
Please don't forget  
Don't forget  
We had it all  
We were just about to fall even more in love  
Than we were before  
I won't forget  
I won't forget about us  
But somewhere we went wrong  
We were once so strong  
Our love is like a song  
You can't forget it  
Somewhere we went wrong  
We were once so strong_

_Our love is like a song  
You can't forget it  
At all  
And at last  
All the pictures have been burned  
And all the past  
Is just a lesson that we've learned  
I won't forget  
I won't forget us but somewhere we went wrong  
Our love is like a song but you won't sing along  
You've forgotten  
About us_

I walked away and smirked. They all stared at me with their mouths hanging open. Then they all looked at Sam, who had his head in his hands.

Embry followed me outside.

"Damn it Embry! I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted at him.

I turned, about to flip him off and was suddenly inches from his face. I stopped breathing and looked him in the eye. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine and slowly kissed me. I closed my eyes. I hadn't kissed anyone in a while and for some reason Embry was an amazing kisser. I was sure that he hadn't had much experience but he was good. Then I realized that he was my brother and I couldn't love someone that would get distracted from the pack. So I opened my eyes and let go.

"We can't. I'm sorry." I said.

At that I just walked away. I didn't feel like changing so I just kept walking until I got to the same cliff that I was at this morning.


	3. too much

I looked down at the steep cliff. How many times have I thought of jumping? How many times have I chickened out? Too many. Now with that longing to be loved gone, I can't endure pain any longer.

I usually would swallow the pain and just walk away. I finally decided to go yell at someone. Even if I had done enough of that tonight, I need to blow off some steam. But who could I yell at? Finally I decided to go pick a fight with one of the vamps.

I casually walked toward Forks. I had no intention of getting there quickly. Finally I reached the cut-off and walked toward the beast of a house. I didn't know what to expect when I walked into the house. All I saw was the blond one was reading some sort of pop magazine and Edward and the other short one were playing chess. Carlisle met me at the door.

"Good evening Leah." He said cautiously. I liked how they all were afraid of me, they should be.

"Is Jacob here?" I said striding past him into the house. I saw Bella, watching the television. She was never a nice person. I saw her crush Jacob. I watched her break when the other bloodsucker left. Well, I guess she just likes to cause everyone pain. What a joke.

Then Edward was on his feet, staring down at me with furious eyes. He growled under his breath. Honestly, I wasn't frightened. I watched as he got angrier and angrier. Then I thought some more bad thoughts about the little witch and suddenly he was in a deadly crouch. His brothers surrounded him with puzzled expressions and I just kept on coming with the hate thoughts.

"Leave," he snarled. "Now."

I laughed, a cold hard chuckle. That was all that came from me now.

"Who died and made you the boss of me?" I said immaturely.

Another snarl ripped through him. "Can't you control your thoughts? Why can't you move on from all of this hate?"

"What can I say? I guess its just in my nature to hate things that go against nature." I said.

"How are we any different from you?" The blond one suddenly stood up.

"I don't kill." I replied at her.

"I guess your just cold from when Sam left you," Blondie said again.

"Rose…" Bella finally spoke.

"How does it feel, knowing that the love of your life forgot about you and found someone that could make him happier? While sending you in a spiral of depression. I bet it hurts."

Finally Jacob and Embry burst through the door. Nessie close behind. I could barely hear Jacob shouting at me. All that I could hear was nothing. It sounds weird but everything stopped and Embry held my face trying to get me to look into his eyes.

Embry grabbed around my waist and toed me out the door. I changed and we ran toward La Push. Halfway there, I felt the weight of the world pull me to a stop and I just froze. Because then I smelled something that didn't belong.

Then I felt a pain that I had never felt before. I howled and saw a small figure step into the moon light.

How about a cliff hanger? No more updates till Wednesday. Sorry. I have vacation planning to do!  Review and tell me what should happen next. Should vampires get involved? Or should Leah confront Sam? What should happen. Whoever gives the best idea will have there idea in the writing. So please help!


	4. more pain

isI was alone when the three dead figures stepped toward me. They were clearly vampires, though the moon hid their oh-so pale skin. They were too quiet and they had a graceful gate and, even in the dark, they were amazingly beautiful.

There was a small woman with vibrant pink hair and a frightening glare on her face. Then there was a tall man with red hair that was cut short. Lastly a man with black hair that fell down to his shoulders walked forward.

"Werewolves? In small Washington?" The womans voice was deep and guarded.

"We hate werewolves. This one is weird. I'm getting funny vibes from it." The red head was puzzled.

"It's a girl. We shall eliminate it. It will die." The black haired man smiled and laughed.

They took a step toward me and I growled fiercely. They laughed and I jumped at the one that obviously was the strongest. He grabbed me as soon as I reached him, and he threw me into a tree. I laid on the ground and then I jumped up and managed to rip the woman apart. Her limbs were squirming on the ground before the men could get to me. They threw me to the ground and I howled in pain. I felt something hard and cold ram into my side, crushing all my bones.

My spine was broken. I lay crumpled on the ground and then the voices started up again.

_Oh no Leah! Were coming! Its okay. _Embry said.

_Vampires? WHERE?! _ Jacob was outraged.

I tried to get up but the men were still throwing me in various directions, making me break and tumble. Then I was falling. Down a hill. Was it okay? I surely didn't think so.

Seconds later I fell into some kind of water and felt my hip break as I hit a rock. Then I somehow landed on something sharp and it went through my side. Lastly, my head hit the ground and snapped my neck, paralyzing me. So there I lay, in the water, not able to move, or breathe.

Then something grabbed the back of my neck and I could finally breathe. But this made me realize how much it truly hurt! I howled and growled and thrashed until finally, the blackness surrounded me and I passed out.

The next morning, I woke up still a wolf. But I was the only wolf around. And I was still in pain which meant something was wrong.

"Leah? Honey, you need to faze into a human. It will re-break all your bones but we can't work on you if you keep randomly healing. I know it will hurt but I'm here." It was Embry.

I opened my eyes and groaned. Then I fazed. It hurt so badly! Once I was human again, I screamed like hell. I fell back on my butt and shrieked again. Then I realized that I had an audience. The Cullens were watching in horror as I broke all my bones _again._

"I'm so sorry, Leah," Carlisle said. "I'm no veterinarian." He chuckled nervously.

"Don't you have pain killers or something, you idiots?!" I screamed again.

They all jumped back and I glared at them, as I tried to get up, then whimpered when that made me hurt that much more.

"Breathe in and out Lee. It will only hurt more if you move." Jacob said.

Then Carlisle came back with the pain killers and I was slowly succumbed into unconsciousness. Going under is a curious thing. When you actually feel it, it gets all numb and then everything is gone.

I woke up and a tan, smiling face looked up at me with eager eyes. Then he took me in his arms and kissed me slowly, and beautifully. But of course, being the person I am, I pulled away as soon as the gasps started.

**Good chapter? Comment! Ill try for Friday and then Ill definetly have another Saturday. But I wont be able to post for 1 week cuz I have vacation ********!!! Okay rabid readers. I 3 you.**


	5. who i am

"You—and him—and you! Ugh!" Seth shouted after the kiss.

"When can I move again?" I asked Carlisle.

"1 week. Or less, depending on how fast you heal."

So for 1 week, I sat, and sat until I could finally breathe without a surging pain in my chest. I avoided Embry from now on but he kept on trying to get close to me. I couldn't afford another broken heart. I know what its like and if Embry imprinted, I would lose another, and that was something that I couldn't go through. I tried to tell him that.

"You saw what happened with Sam and Emily. You saw what can happen and you know that you'll eventually find someone and I will be alone again." I told him.

"Sam was stupid to let you go. I would never leave you." He insisted.

"That's not in your control." I said.

"But what if I'm stronger than him? What if I can—."

"You can't! You're no better than him! I know that! Don't you think that I'm smart enough to know that there's only one way to make someone happy?" I yelled at him

"And what way is that?"

"To hurt another. I can't be hurt again, I'm sorry." And as I said that, I felt my heart grow heavier and heavier as I walked away from him.

Now that I thought about it, I had been walking away a lot lately. I guess there's one place that I won't have to run away from. As long as Jacob was there.

"Good afternoon," I said as Edward strode toward me. "Don't worry leech, I come here out of boredom."

"Leah, we should talk." This was the first time that I had ever heard the mom one talk.

"Um," I said. "That's okay. I'll have to pass."

"Edward has told us how difficult it is for you not to be able to have children and I would like you to know that I understand." I scowled and growled at Edward.

"That was something he shouldn't have been sharing with you." I said.

"Oh, well I guess that's true. But you know that I can't have any either?" She asked.

"Yes. But I should be able to. I should have that ability and I lost it because of my ancestry."

"Well, I guess the situations are different. I believe that you are going through other pains as well and were wondering if you wanted to talk to me? I understand that everyone else can't really relate but I thought that it would be easier with someone that knows what you've been through and has as well."

"Umm that's alright. Thanks for the compassion but no thanks. I'm getting better." I smiled. "Jake? I want to learn how to stop phasing."

"Leah, I don't even know how to do that and you have a bit of an anger problem." He replied.

"I haven't phased because of anger in months Jake, please?" I pleaded.

"We can try, but I don't know how we will be able to know if your growing or not." He said puzzled.

So for weeks I had to control my anger and people would piss me off and I wouldn't get angry which was a miracle. I looked for signs of aging and nothing happened. That was until June 12, when I suddenly felt something I hadn't in years.

"I AM AGING!!" I shouted into the Cullen house at Jacob.

"How do you know?" Jacob asked.

"Mother Nature my friend!" I told him and his eyes went wide.

"I love all of you!" I shouted.

I walked up to Embry and gave him a huge kiss and ran outside. For the first time in years, I was happy. I could finally be human again and live life to its fullest. I felt buoyant and lovely as I skipped back to La Push.

I saw Sam alone, he was sitting on the cliff looking out onto the ocean.

The sun was setting. I know it wasn't a good idea to talk to him, but now that I can have children, I have no reason to hurt anymore. He can't touch me.

"Hello," I said. "Whatcha doing?"

"Thinking," He said. "I heard that your not a wolf anymore. That's impressive." But he said impressive half-heartedly.

"Yeah, you wanna make something of it?" I snapped.

"Leah, I think you shouldn't stop being a wolf." He said.

"What? Why the hell not?" I asked.

"Its who you are leah. Its what makes you better than all the other girls on the rez." He told me.

"You don't know who I am. You don't know what I am! Your the whole reason I am angry and couldn't do this sooner. How does it feel know you crushed me?" I asked.

"I've moved on, Leah. Its time you do too." Then he turned and walked away, just like i always do.

"SHUT UP! I AM TRYING! I HATE YOU!" Then I phased and my life ended, yet again.

**Sorry, I didn't make it that long and it's a day late but I was busy. I think the next chapter will be the last. I'm running out of ideas unless you guys want to help. No more till april 29. Review! Subscribe! And give me new ideas for the next story! 3**


	6. pains to go around

_DAMN IT, LEAH! WHAT HAPPENED?!? _Jacob Shouted.

_I COULDN'T HELP IT, OKAY?!? _I screeched.

I think I might actually kill myself this time. He ruined me again, and worst of all he showed me where I went wrong. I had it all back and he took it, again. I was a werewolf and now I knew that I couldn't change that. What was I supposed to do? So I decided that I would kill myself, no matter who it hurt.

_Leah no! Please wait for me to help you! I can, I know I can. Let me show you something before you do anything rash! Please Leah._

That was Embry. What did he want to show me? What could possibly change my mind? I'd give him that chance. I definitely owed him that after leaving him and treating him like trash that I'd just recycled. So I told him to meet me at the beach.

When I met him there, I was human. And dressed. Thankfully, so was he.

"What do want to show me, Em?" I said softly.

"I want to show you that there are people that have even worse lives than you, and still go through life everyday. You wanna know why they don't give in to the depression? Because they know what would happen to the people that love them. They know that without them, people would cry. You need to see that Lee." Embry said.

I nodded and he led me to his truck and we drove to a small blue house in Forks.

"Who lives here?" I asked curiously.

"Annabelle Brown. She has two children and her husband died of brain cancer 2 years ago, when Annabelle was pregnant. She just lost her job and is gonna lose her house if she can't pay the bills by the end of this month. To add to all of that, her 6 month old son was just diagnosed with autism and he'll never be speak."

"Oh my god, Embry. That's terrible." I said.

"She's just person number one." He said solemnly.

Then we drove farther into Forks, through the heavy rain. I watched as the trees descended past me. We finally arrived at a large brown house with red shutters.

"This is Oliver Cunnings. He lost all his money gambling and can't pay back his debts. He has gotten several death threats. He is probably going to die." Embry said.

"Who are these people, Embry? How do you know them?" I asked

But Embry wasn't listening. He kept driving and finally got to a familiar house. The house where Bella used to live, where Charlie now lived.

"23 years ago, Renee left with Bella sending Charlie into a depression. He gave up on everything and knew that it was over. But he went through it all because he had a duty in this town. He always hoped that Bella would come back to him forever but he knew she wouldn't. If he had given in and hurt himself, he wouldn't have been here to take Bella in."

I couldn't speak. How hard is it to live in this world? I never realized. But then we were driving again. A house with a teenage girl sitting out front. She had black hair and was wearing dark clothes. She didn't even look up as we stopped at her house. She looked like she didn't care.

"That little girl is Jade Livingberg. She's thirteen. Her father is a heavy drinker and her brother just ran away and got in a terrible accident and is in a coma. She cuts herself and lost all her friends. She's attempted suicide 3 times and each time, her father catches her." Embry said.

"Embry, how do you know these people?"

"I am friends with each of them. Even small towns have hurt. You need to know that your not alone Lee. I am here, and there are plenty of people who can relate."

"But—." I started but he took me into a kiss that I couldn't refuse.

So I let it be. I knew that I loved Embry. I also knew that I was probably better off staying alive. What good would it do?

"Now do you see? Now will you stop the depression?"

"Only for you." I told him.

We drove to La Push and saw some fireworks setting off at the cliff. I chuckled and looked at Embry. He really was perfect. He did understand. there was the risk of him imprinting and I would lose. But for the second time in my life, I thought of someone else. I knew he would love me as long as he possibly could. I would let him and be happy. I would have to endure the pain and let him love me.  
"I will never leave you, even if I imprint." He promised.

"Don't promise anything, Embry. I promise to not hate you, when you imprint. When it happens I will understand that it is something you cannot control. I have moved on from Sam. I know that when you find someone you truly love, you have to make sacrifices and I will be the one to do that, if you don't mind. You won't have to leave her for me, I will leave you."

"When did you forgive Sam?"

"When I realized that what's meant to be is just that, _meant to be_. When what's meant to be isn't what you wanted, you're unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. Love makes people stupid, Em."

"Seeing what's meant to be is just as stupid as seeing what isn't there. I went looking for love and I found you, that wasn't stupid." He retorted.

"Looking for something that will hurt you just puts pressure upon the choice to let yourself love again. I know that."

I kept my mouth shut after that because I knew that if I wanted to love him, I would stop talking about what happens when he does leave me. It did hurt, but when your used to the pain; it holds you together.

I remember when I first lost Sam. I wouldn't talk to anyone and I actually thought about how I could never love again. Every time that I thought of Sam made me stop breathing and gave me butterflies. It made me sick to think that I would have to endure it again, but I knew it would make Embry happy.

That was all that mattered. My happiness has never been anyone's priority. Not even my own.

**Okay, so I tried to slow it down and make it longer. Hope you like it, REVIEW! Peez. I thought this week would be the most depressing one. For funsies. Okay. Love ya lots. Read and Review.**


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